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Coming To Terms
Growing up, I lived a great childhood. For the first nine years of my life, I was raised in the countryside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania by my mother along with my grandparents who also played major roles in my life. As a child, I was as brave as a cheetah yet as oblivious as a puppy. I did not know that much about the world, but I was always ready to explore anything and everything. My mother and I moved to Chicago a few months after I turned nine and those first couple of years seem like a blur now, but I vaguely remember the complications that occurred once I began approaching high school.
S.S., Home, 2020
This is a photo that I took in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania near my old home.
It was not until my mid-freshman year of high school where I started feeling distant from the world, but I had no idea why, I just did not feel happy anymore. I noticed my attitude becoming colder, I lacked motivation, lost my brave inner cheetah, and struggled academically. Like a sloth, all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day and sleep for hours at a time. My mom would try getting me out of the house, but I would always ignore her. I felt bad for shunning her away, but I could not bring myself to speak or get up. I thought that I reached the “angsty” teenage stage, however, it turned out that I had anxiety and depression. Apparently, I have had it for a while, since I was ten years old, to be exact.
I hated the way I felt and there were not many things that made me feel any better, but one of the only things that made me feel somewhat better was music. There was one specific song that never failed to bring me back from my thoughts and it was called Born This Way by Lady Gaga. It would always make me feel like I was being hugged through my headphones because it would remind me that I am who I am and nobody could ever change that. In an interview, Lady Gaga expounded on her battle with mental illness to which she said, "I've suffered through depression and anxiety my entire life... I learned that my sadness never destroyed what was great about me. You just have to go back to that greatness, find that one little light that's left."
S.S., Freshman Mask, 2020.
This is a photo of the mask that I created in art class during my freshman year which symbolizes depression.
When I attended school, I would always put on a happy mask for my friends. Like a therapist, I wanted to act as a strong support system for them, and I enjoyed that, but it was not healthy because I needed that for myself. So, around that time, I had an art project coming up, we had to create a mask and paint it in any way that we felt. So, after some serious brainstorming, I decided that I wanted to paint my mask in a way that would be meaningful to me, and hopefully other people. I ended up painting half of my mask orangish-yellow like sunny daylight - symbolizing happiness and brightness - and the other half of my mask bluish-black like the dark night - symbolizing sadness and loneliness. I, as well as my teacher and fellow peers, was proud of the outcome of my mask because it allowed me to help others understand the way depression felt and how quickly it could ruin your mood.
But as of recently, I have done another activity where I interviewed a few family members and friends asking them to describe me, my strengths, and my weaknesses. From that activity, I managed to learn a little more about myself. I learned that I am very caring and sincere, but sometimes a little too much. I tend to act as a support system to others so that I can distract myself from my own problems which is not healthy at all. I need to start thinking about myself and what I am going through instead of focusing on what everyone else is going through. I am learning that I need time to reflect and reset because if I do not start prioritizing myself, things will only get worse. My Mom told me that I need to put on my own oxygen mask and save myself before I attempt to save others. I appreciated the people that I interviewed because they were blunt and honest with me. And as for accuracy, the answers given by my interviewees were spot on and pretty accurate. So, again, I appreciated the activity along with those who participated.
S.S., Candid, 2019.
This is a candid photo of me which my cousin took, I liked it because I looked calm and collected.
Throughout this journey, I learned that mental health can be like walking around with an invisible rainy cloud above your head. It influences my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It impacts every aspect of my daily life as well as my ability to cope with stress, take on and overcome challenges, build relationships, and recover from life’s setbacks and hardships. But I also learned that it does not control me unless I allow it to control me. Today I understand that depression and anxiety are conditions that I have, but they do not define me, nor are they my whole existence. Famous lawyer, author, and activist Bryan Stevenson says, “I believe that each person is more than the worst thing they’ve ever done,” and this quote really resonates with me. Being ashamed of the things that make me unique, hiding my struggles, and pretending that I was okay are definitely some of the worst things I have ever done. For years, I wore a mask which was like committing a crime against myself, but coming to terms with my mental health freed me from that self-imposed prison. While this may not seem like an accomplishment to some people, it is to me and it is a sign of my growth and development. I wholeheartedly believe that had I not taken steps to address my mental health, I would still be wearing that mask and would have been eaten alive by my despair. Full transparency, I still have my moments when I do not feel my best and like a sloth, I slowly withdraw. However, today I recognize that my moments will pass, and being supported and loved by my family and friends reminds me that I am okay.
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